Will being with men take away my 'sexuality' for women?

This query had not been posted to our site, but one of our members responded to it on this site:

http://straightacting.net/phpbb/viewtopic.php?p=194542#194542

Ok...So heres my story in a nutshell. For the past like three years, I have considered myself bisexual. I usually want to hook up with girls, but get hard when thinking about sex with guys, so I usually just watched gay porn. Over the past month, however, I got myself to only watch straight porn. I found myself having wet dreams about guys though. My dilemma is this: I'm nervous I won't be able to get hard when I have sex with a girl. Any advice or experience??? Thanks. Hottmale

I am afraid I don't have any advice or experience to share to address your specific problem, , but I am writing to tell you that you have given me an important clue in solving one of the longest standing problem in life's grand puzzle for me... 

But first let me tell you this. I'm from India and I can tell you that ALL MEN HAVE A SEXUAL NEED FOR MEN -- or in Western terminology all straight men are bisexuals. Even though today, after India's Westernization and heterosexualization, men don't admit it anymore, however, for him who is willing to look behind social facades, this universal male sexuality for men becomes very obvious. 

I have had several platonic relations with straight men (I'm also part of them), , which nevertheless had a strong sexual element which was also expressed freely though in unacknowledged ways. but I always saw them struggling with their sexual feelings for me, while not being able to break from me either. All this had a set pattern, and it became the goal of my life to understand what prevents straight men from getting ahead and having a relationship, although hidden with other men, when they have such intense desire to do so. I mean it was understandable that they would not want to acknowledge these feelings and have any relationship quietly, hidden from the world. But, I saw them fighting with their feelings, one after the other, as if they wanted to get rid of it... That I had aroused in them a need which they had been fighting so far, and they couldn't leave it or take it. It was a most pitiable condition they were in. 

Amongst the various reasons I could establish --- after analysing men after men -- all of them straight, majority, regular guys, in extremely emotional intimacy with me -- seeing their most vulnerable side, that the world never even knew or acknowledged existed --- were: 

(a) (the most important), the concept of 'sexual orientation' which created a fear in them of being segregated and isolated from the 'men's identity', space and 'manhood'., and being labelled with the third gender, queer gay identity which they just didn't feel they were part of. They just didn't feel different from other men (they were all into it secretly); This made them not recognize their sexual need for men even in the privacy of two people who loved each other. 

(b) Strong social disapproval. However, if it wasn't for the above reason, men could have easily accepted their desire in private... 

(c) Strong social power and manhood that came with proving your sexual need for women and proving a repulsion for sexuality with men, with which the society bought the souls of straight men. 

(d) Strong punishments for crossing the 'manhood line (in the west the heterosexual' line) -- although, instead of actual sex with men, it was an acknowledgement of their sexual interest in men that decided whether they had cross the 'manhood' line and made the difference between who was 'gay' and who was not. The strongest punishment was what has been mentioned in point (a) -- isolation from masculine male space (men's spaces) and identity or manhood and banishment into the third sex, 'homosexual' ghetto. Other punishments followed from this, including social ridicule, vulnerability, disempowerment, and so on. 

(e) Strong conditioning of straight men right from the adolescence, that makes them believe that the only way to be a man is by relating sexually with women and by avoiding intimacy with men (this is actually a characteristic of a westernized/ partly westernized society). 

(f) HUGE ego that the society builds around straight men after they have proven their exclusive heterosexual status -- whether real or fake. Men are extremely scared of this ego being broken, and although it makes the men seem much more powerful and strong than they really are, it is actually hollow from inside, and the real man inside is much-much weaker , vulnerable and hollow than the masks and ego make him appear, because this inner man was always suppressed and never allowed to develop. What mattered was conformity. 

This can also be understood as the society putting straight men on a HIGH, very high pedestal once they prove their exclusive heterosexual status, including a repulsion for intimacy with men. Men are threatened with being thrown from this height into the dark depths of 'gay' world, at the lowest bottom, if they break the rule of crossing the 'manhood' line to acknowledge their sexual and romantic feelings for men. Men are extremely afraid of falling down from this pedestal. 

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However, apart from all these reasons, I used to get a vague feeling that one reason is that somehow straight men believed that if they start being with another man, they would lose their 'heterosexuality' so to speak, something they have built very painstakingly, but is actually very, very fragile and vulnerable (making me suspect that it is more a product of nurture, conditioning and social pressures than natural). It was like if they allowed themselves to like men, they would lose the capacity to like women, and thus would risk losing their manhood -- A matter of life and death for anyman (in the west manhood is called 'straight', and the lack of it is termed as 'gay', although these concepts/ terms are mis/redefined in terms of sexuality). 

I also felt that they were worried that if they started to have sex with men, they would lose the capacity to have sex with women. But I could never confirm any of this from straight men, because you can't talk to them about these things. They would rather die than admit these issues even exist. Gays know nothing about this aspect of straight men, even in India. 

By putting it in such exact words, you have for the first time defined a this fear that straight men have. And this gives me another lead, to solve the puzzle of the complexity of man's oppression in this world, which only sees their masks of heterosexuality and social power -- not who they reall y are. they are defined by the gays who are themselves an artificial creation of the western heterosexual society. 

In any case, I have a feeling that you could be very helpful for me, by giving me an insight into the straight mind which, usually, never talks about these things. I could use this knowledge in my fight to liberate straight men. 

Another question about masculinity

Dear the community,

I am glad that you read this email.

I found your website days ago as a matter of coincidence. I was searching on some information about masculinity when I finally entered your site. I read the materials with interest and I have to say what you addressed is truly revolutionary and amazing. To be honest, I have been frustrated with all those male affinity for several years since I have entered puberty. Well, it’s like I have no interest in women but only men and I just labeled myself with the western saying ‘gay’. Until one day I tried to figure out my problems and it occurred to me that lack of masculinity may have caused the gay thing. I was finding ways to improve my masculinity but your site was absolutely turning the other way round saying that male affinity is kind of a masculine act. I get confused. The point is I was hoping to eliminate my affinity to men by improving masculinity. I also read about the third gender as you were saying in the article. However it does not fit my circumstances which includes loving a masculine man and tends to bond with him. I also started doing some physical exercise to enhance my muscle strength and appearance and I felt good being a male. But what made me bewildered is there was a time when I was about 10-13 that I was told by my peers that I was not masculine enough. Should I define myself as ‘third’ gender or a ‘masculine man’?

If I was a masculine man, then why do I have totally no interest in woman? Is there anything I can do to build up that male-female bond? What should I do?

I just sincerely hope that you can answer my questions because there is only your site in the net promoting such idea. All these can be a turning point in my life. By the way, I think your site is great and I hope I can keep contact with your community. I am not a member of your group yet but I think I will be soon. Look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully,
A sincere visitor looking for help

Masculinity in men is not equal to sexual interest in women

Dear friend,

Thank you for writing to us.

It's amazing... even after having studied the oppression of men so much, the more experiences we read/ hear, the more information we gather about the exact degree and nature of men's oppression. What you're going through is a classic example of how deeply the society has persecuted men.

I'm assuming that you're from the West (although, your name sounds like East Asian) because the kind of social hostility you've mentioned around man's sexual bonding with men is only found in Western heterosexual societies. In oriental countries, although, at the outset men do not admit to liking men, within peer groups men know that its a universal experience. What we seek to do is to bring this experience out to the world to see, with the help of men who have the courage to talk about what so long have been restricted only to men's spaces.

I am really glad that this site has been helpful to you. The site is still under construction and we are continuously adding more and more information, case studies, news, articles, etc. on men and their manhood, that will surely help you resolve many of the questions that bother you.

Let me try to explain it as simply as I can:

1. In the beginning of human civilisation, as in nature amongst mammals:
a) Men and women led separate lives.
b) While men had any sexual liasions only with other men, and women with women, in every reproduction season, a few of the men would meet women for short sex enough for reproduction, and then go back to their male groups to their male lovers.

2. A sexual need for men is a universal male phenomenon, even in the West, its only that most men fight those instincts, kill it, suppress it and divert it towards women and finally hide whatever is left. The society has several complex and often invisible mechanisms to force and condition men to do this.

3. This breaking of man from man started basically because societies wanted to force all men into reproduction, in order to increase human population much beyond what is naturally possible, especially because in those times the infant mortality rates were extremely high.

4. There are numerous evidences of the above, from the history and biology and the suppressed sexual need of 'straight' men for men can still be observed easily, although their suppressed forms differs in different societies. In the west it is more camouflaged than it is in traditional oriental societies, where they're very open in men's spaces. Sometimes so open that 99% of men openly prefer sexual relations with other men (as in Kandahar, Afghanistan).

5. However, people who really suffer are those who don't have any sexual need for women, because they have nothing to fall back on when they suppress their sexual need for men, which in any case is too huge to suppress. Also, vulnerable are all those men, who, in their childhood had somekind of positive sexual interaction with another man, and they progressed to develop their sexual need for men inspite of the social hostility, because they experienced its positivity.

6. Therefore, one thing is clear, that your sexual need for men is not a sign of lack of manhood at all. If anything, this is the only sign of manhood, which 'straight' men in heterosexualised societies unfortunately suppress.

7. A sexual need for women is not at all a sign of manhood. Most of the heterosexuality that we see in western societies is the result of social conditioning. Real heterosexuality is actually Queer -- as Queer as the 'gays' (i.e., the third sex).

8. IMP: The society has been playing dirty politics around manhood, by manipulating its social definition for a long time. Furthermore, its the modern Western society, which for the first time defined lack of manhood in terms of sexual need for men and a lack of sexual interest in women (earlier, only an exclusive desire to be anally penetrated was deemed unmanly). These definitions are imposed upon successive generations of men through the extremely powerful mechanism of Peer-Pressure.

9. All men have some femininity in them, even the most toughest looking man. This femininity is moreso in the naturally heterosexual males (most straight men are 'made' heterosexual, not natural). But in the Western society, a strong hostility is created against male femininity, and it is claimed that it doesn't exist at all. While those males who manage are able to create a comfortable 'heterosexual' identity have the social and moral support to suppress this femininity, those who are painfully aware of a strong sexual need for men often start believing this minor streak of femininity in them to be the cause of their sexual attraction for men.

10. You're third gender only when you have a strong inner sense of being a woman, which could not have been the case with you, since you've been fighting the situation where the society told you you were not masculine enough and your inner self wanted to be recognised as masculine (because that's your inner reality!).

11. When your peers said you were not masculine enough during your adolescence, they were probably only exerting peer-pressure on you. They could also be judging you by the socially prevalent definitions of manhood in your society, rather than your true masculinity. What happens is, when you find yourself lacking in one of the basic criteria propagated by the society as the essence of manhood, one develops a lack of confidence in himself and in his manhood. This is then quickly sensed by boys in an intensively competitive environment of "Race for Manhood" (see site), who then tear the vulnerable boy apart easily. Again, this is the age, when the masculinity of boys is not fully developed. If a boy is not given the opportunity to develop his masculinity at this age by relating healthily as a "proper" man with other boys, then his masculinity may remain underdeveloped for long. Because, the membership of a group of masculine gendered boys is very important for developing an adolescent's masculinity. But there are other ways for those who have missed it as adolescents. One is to be in close touch with a man who has learned to be a man, inspite of his socially debilitating (not naturally) sexual need for men.

All of this may be too much information at one time, but do keep writing to us as much as possible, its our pleasure to share information, and things will sort out.

For starters just remember one thing -- All men have a sexual need for other men, so this doesn't make you different in any way from other straight men.

Did you visit this new webpage:

http://videos-on-universal-male-male-desire.blogspot.com/

Wishing you all the luck

In male solidarity
Purusharth

Question About Male Masculinity

Hi, I saw several of your postings in "Straight Acting.com" and I also read your blogspot site. I need help and I am kicking myself after reading your posting, because have broken several of the "man rules" with two of my best friend. Let me tell you what is going on.

I am a police officer in southern Florida (name of place changed). I don't like to use the word gay, but I am gay. I do not feel that I was born "Gay", but I think that I became this way because of a lack of my father in my life. I do not go to gay hang outs (bars, etc.). All of my friends are straight, and I have only come out to two of my best friends, Arnold and David. Both of them are also cops. They have been very good about it and we have a very strong bond.

The problem is with my friend Arnold. I have known him for about five years and he is divorced. Even before I came out to him we had a very strong bond. When ever we go out, Keith likes to sit next to me and he always has his leg touching mine, always. There have been several times when has taken a urinal next to me and I can see that he is checking me out. There is always flirting going on as well. Arnold and David love to bust my balls about being gay, but I can give it right back. A few weeks after I told Arnold about myself he asked me to stay at his house.

We both got drunk and he asked me to stay over at his house. We slept together in our underwear, although during the night I put my arm across his chest and he pushed it away. Other parts of our bodies were accidentally touching during the night.

This relationship is driving me crazy, it is like a relationship without the sex. He always wants to be with me and flirt with me. He loves to screw females but does not want a relationship with them. I need to figure out a way to give this guy a wake-up call. Any Ideas.

Let's talk about my second friend David. He is married to a lady from Asia. They appear to have a very close relationship, but his wife has told me that they have very little sex. He wants the sex and she feels like it is a job. Anyway's. David and I talk about all kind of things. He has told me several times that he is 100% Straight. Every few weeks I stay at his house and we get drunk. He loves to touch me when he gets drunk, be rubbing my chest outside my shirt, and hugging me a lot. One time, a few weeks ago, he was very drunk, rubbing my chest when his wife walked out of the bedroom and saw him. She did not say anything, but he took his hands off me right away, and continued with she left. I think his wife does not care because she grew up outside the US. He has also kissed my cheek several times. He does not mind if I touch him as long as it is above his waist, although I have touched his ass a few times. When he touches me I just try to act normal and keep watching the TV. I would love to get closer to him also, any ideas.

Thanks, Sam

You're not Gay

Dear Sam

thanx for sharing ur concerns with me.

I will try my best to give you suggestions based on my work with straight men.

Your post makes it quite clear that inspite the immense heterosexualisation of the west, guys are still much the same everywhere. Only, the camouflages they put up to hide their true self increases.

the gist of my experiences is that although almost 100% of men feel sexual desire for men deeply, they have this extreme fear, bordering on a disease, of crossing the social line drawn for them by the rules of 'social manhood' in their respective society. It means that they will prefer death than admitting or acknowledging it. The biggest fear that they have is of being isolated as 'gay' into their third sex community and being 'outcasted' from the men's (straight men in the west) gender.

So, they're willing to have only as much sex with men, in only a manner by which they can avoid being labelled as gay. Since you're also straight (i.e. a man, not a third sex/ gay), then they would actually prefer that neither of you acknowledge anything while having sex, and don't do things that cross the line of 'straighthood' (not only as fixed by the society, but as fixed by each individual (straight) man secretly -- you just have to know what those limits/ lines are) -- so that none of you are classified as gay. You will both assume that nothing 'unusual' has ever happened between you two.

If you acknowledge yourself as 'gay', then they become all the more defensive and closed (however, they still desire you, so there is all this confusion) -- because (a) if they associate with you sexually, they run the risk of being labelled gay in their own eyes, (b) you yourself may call them gay which can really be worse than death for them. (c) worse still, you may go and tell someone else. If nothing is acknowledged, and they did not do anything consciously, then they can always save their skin. They want to play it absolutely safe.

So, my advice to you would be to try to find out what is the manner in which you can initiate sex with them without having them to deal with the issue, and without them having to cross the boundary of straighthood. And the best way to do this would be to initiate something when both of you are asleep, in the dead of the night. He would pretend to be asleep, even when both of you would know that he is awake. You are supposed to initiate sex -- which is non-anal most of the time, as far as I know ... so it may be safer to start with just masturbation or something. Of course, whatever you do, you have to first test the water ... like putting your legs on his crotch shortly after he has pretended to go to sleep. If he doesn't throw you off or something, but gets an erection or you know that he is awake, you can probe (grope) him further. I'm afraid your coming out as 'gay' may make things much harder for both of you. They would feel much comfortable if they could talk to you about girls while masturbating or having sex with you (and also putting down 'gays' while they're doing it --- all in order to avoid being labelled 'gay' in their own conscience, even when no one's looking).

Also, guys feel much freer to indulge in sex with men when they are drunk, because being drunk is another excuse that can save them from being called 'gay', as they don't have to acknowledge it ever that they had sex. that is why, when a guy likes you, (i mean straight guy) he would try to fix it for both of you to be drunk together, it happens all too often.

Remember, you have to avoid anything that would make them have to acknowledge it that they are interested in you (a man) sexually. So, when you put your arms around his chest lovingly, that's an absolute no-no (it is crossing the straight line). But if you put your hands in his underwear when he has pretended to be asleep, that is all fine.

It also means that you don't talk about it at all. The less you talk about yourself being gay the better. If you can pretend to talk about girls, its even better and will make them feel more at ease, even when they know that you're just pretending. They will gladly play along, as far as I can tell.

If this works, slowly, you can do this in waking hours by pretending to look at girl porn together and masturbating. I have known cases where the guy told this 'gay' guy that he's only doing this (having a relationship with him) so that the 'gay' guy can come out of his 'gayness'. Saying this gave him an excuse not to take on the label while having sex with him.

With time, straight men do lose a lot of their fears, and most likely, one day can bring themselves upto saying, even I love you -- but it takes a pretty long time, upto 6 years for them to gather the confidence to break the line of social manhood, without hurting their real sense of manhood.

And finally, I'd suggest you to consider this. You are no different than your straight guys because you like men. You've seen that apparently they like men too, only that they can't seem to accept it. Therefore, the whole 'gay' identity thing is baseless, and actually counter productive because it breaks you from men who you want to bond with, and feel one with. therefore, even if your culture forces it upon you, discard the 'gay' label. Love men without being part of the LGBT community. Love men while still being part of the straight world. I know, its not easy in the Western society, but hey, what the heck, Be a rebel! At least be clear in your mind, and refuse to have to do anything with the gays.

I hope this helps. You can keep posting with any further concerns/ developments.

regards,