I am a police officer in southern Florida (name of place changed). I don't like to use the word gay, but I am gay. I do not feel that I was born "Gay", but I think that I became this way because of a lack of my father in my life. I do not go to gay hang outs (bars, etc.). All of my friends are straight, and I have only come out to two of my best friends, Arnold and David. Both of them are also cops. They have been very good about it and we have a very strong bond.
The problem is with my friend Arnold. I have known him for about five years and he is divorced. Even before I came out to him we had a very strong bond. When ever we go out, Keith likes to sit next to me and he always has his leg touching mine, always. There have been several times when has taken a urinal next to me and I can see that he is checking me out. There is always flirting going on as well. Arnold and David love to bust my balls about being gay, but I can give it right back. A few weeks after I told Arnold about myself he asked me to stay at his house.
We both got drunk and he asked me to stay over at his house. We slept together in our underwear, although during the night I put my arm across his chest and he pushed it away. Other parts of our bodies were accidentally touching during the night.
This relationship is driving me crazy, it is like a relationship without the sex. He always wants to be with me and flirt with me. He loves to screw females but does not want a relationship with them. I need to figure out a way to give this guy a wake-up call. Any Ideas.
Let's talk about my second friend David. He is married to a lady from Asia. They appear to have a very close relationship, but his wife has told me that they have very little sex. He wants the sex and she feels like it is a job. Anyway's. David and I talk about all kind of things. He has told me several times that he is 100% Straight. Every few weeks I stay at his house and we get drunk. He loves to touch me when he gets drunk, be rubbing my chest outside my shirt, and hugging me a lot. One time, a few weeks ago, he was very drunk, rubbing my chest when his wife walked out of the bedroom and saw him. She did not say anything, but he took his hands off me right away, and continued with she left. I think his wife does not care because she grew up outside the US. He has also kissed my cheek several times. He does not mind if I touch him as long as it is above his waist, although I have touched his ass a few times. When he touches me I just try to act normal and keep watching the TV. I would love to get closer to him also, any ideas.
Thanks, Sam
You're not Gay
Dear Sam
thanx for sharing ur concerns with me.
I will try my best to give you suggestions based on my work with straight men.
Your post makes it quite clear that inspite the immense heterosexualisation of the west, guys are still much the same everywhere. Only, the camouflages they put up to hide their true self increases.
the gist of my experiences is that although almost 100% of men feel sexual desire for men deeply, they have this extreme fear, bordering on a disease, of crossing the social line drawn for them by the rules of 'social manhood' in their respective society. It means that they will prefer death than admitting or acknowledging it. The biggest fear that they have is of being isolated as 'gay' into their third sex community and being 'outcasted' from the men's (straight men in the west) gender.
So, they're willing to have only as much sex with men, in only a manner by which they can avoid being labelled as gay. Since you're also straight (i.e. a man, not a third sex/ gay), then they would actually prefer that neither of you acknowledge anything while having sex, and don't do things that cross the line of 'straighthood' (not only as fixed by the society, but as fixed by each individual (straight) man secretly -- you just have to know what those limits/ lines are) -- so that none of you are classified as gay. You will both assume that nothing 'unusual' has ever happened between you two.
If you acknowledge yourself as 'gay', then they become all the more defensive and closed (however, they still desire you, so there is all this confusion) -- because (a) if they associate with you sexually, they run the risk of being labelled gay in their own eyes, (b) you yourself may call them gay which can really be worse than death for them. (c) worse still, you may go and tell someone else. If nothing is acknowledged, and they did not do anything consciously, then they can always save their skin. They want to play it absolutely safe.
So, my advice to you would be to try to find out what is the manner in which you can initiate sex with them without having them to deal with the issue, and without them having to cross the boundary of straighthood. And the best way to do this would be to initiate something when both of you are asleep, in the dead of the night. He would pretend to be asleep, even when both of you would know that he is awake. You are supposed to initiate sex -- which is non-anal most of the time, as far as I know ... so it may be safer to start with just masturbation or something. Of course, whatever you do, you have to first test the water ... like putting your legs on his crotch shortly after he has pretended to go to sleep. If he doesn't throw you off or something, but gets an erection or you know that he is awake, you can probe (grope) him further. I'm afraid your coming out as 'gay' may make things much harder for both of you. They would feel much comfortable if they could talk to you about girls while masturbating or having sex with you (and also putting down 'gays' while they're doing it --- all in order to avoid being labelled 'gay' in their own conscience, even when no one's looking).
Also, guys feel much freer to indulge in sex with men when they are drunk, because being drunk is another excuse that can save them from being called 'gay', as they don't have to acknowledge it ever that they had sex. that is why, when a guy likes you, (i mean straight guy) he would try to fix it for both of you to be drunk together, it happens all too often.
Remember, you have to avoid anything that would make them have to acknowledge it that they are interested in you (a man) sexually. So, when you put your arms around his chest lovingly, that's an absolute no-no (it is crossing the straight line). But if you put your hands in his underwear when he has pretended to be asleep, that is all fine.
It also means that you don't talk about it at all. The less you talk about yourself being gay the better. If you can pretend to talk about girls, its even better and will make them feel more at ease, even when they know that you're just pretending. They will gladly play along, as far as I can tell.
If this works, slowly, you can do this in waking hours by pretending to look at girl porn together and masturbating. I have known cases where the guy told this 'gay' guy that he's only doing this (having a relationship with him) so that the 'gay' guy can come out of his 'gayness'. Saying this gave him an excuse not to take on the label while having sex with him.
With time, straight men do lose a lot of their fears, and most likely, one day can bring themselves upto saying, even I love you -- but it takes a pretty long time, upto 6 years for them to gather the confidence to break the line of social manhood, without hurting their real sense of manhood.
And finally, I'd suggest you to consider this. You are no different than your straight guys because you like men. You've seen that apparently they like men too, only that they can't seem to accept it. Therefore, the whole 'gay' identity thing is baseless, and actually counter productive because it breaks you from men who you want to bond with, and feel one with. therefore, even if your culture forces it upon you, discard the 'gay' label. Love men without being part of the LGBT community. Love men while still being part of the straight world. I know, its not easy in the Western society, but hey, what the heck, Be a rebel! At least be clear in your mind, and refuse to have to do anything with the gays.
I hope this helps. You can keep posting with any further concerns/ developments.
regards,
